OK, so maybe my kids aren’t always on their best behavior at the store, between the occasional tantrums and constant I-wants—sometimes I want to just drop them in a discount bin and walk away—but honestly, they are far from the most annoying people present during my shopping trips. In fact, I could make a list. I will make a list, a list of 5 people that annoy me more than my kids at the store.
1. Serious Lee Oblivious
Mr. Oblivious is sometimes a Miss, but he always seems to miss when he’s in your fucking way and feels smack dab in the center of the isle is the most awesomest place to just stand on the planet. Polite cues to gtfo of the way are lost on this gem who is usually too busy with the most important conversation ever to even realize you exist and just want a tub of freakin’ double chocolate brownie Dreyers he is yacking in front of. It’s times like those I regret not buying that pocket air horn I saw.
2. Ida Inconsiderate
This bitch is busy and probably Mr. Oblivious’s wife. She’s so busy she can’t be bothered to say, pay attention to what’s going on around her. She’s the one who rams her cart straight up your ass simply because you were on the side of the isle she started on. I mean going around you might cost her 3 seconds she just can’t sacrifice from the 50 minutes she’s going to spend on her phone taking selfies in the parking lot. She’ll spit that wtf-is-wrong-with-you look at you as she glances back at your bleeding heels. I have fantasies about rigging up a cart with war spikes, running that bitch down, screaming “fatality!” and running away.
3. T. Chatty
It’s not that I don’t like to talk, it’s that it seems anytime I’m pressed for time and just trying to run in, get some shit I need and run out, one of these conversational masters chat me up. Things like, upon seeing my baby in a purple car seat dressed in pink with a onsie that says “Daddy’s girl,” says, “How old is he?” then proceeds to tell me their life story from when they were as young as my “son.” Yes—real life example. Chatty loves to offer advice too! Not sure which juice to buy? The prune juice is great for your bowels. Think that shirt will fit you? Mr. T doesn’t. Got your “hands full,” he’s got parenting tips for that.
4. Crazy A. Couponer
I coupon. I do, I have 4 kids I totally get the value of coupons. It isn’t the normal folk who are out to save a bit of cash that annoy me. It’s the jack ass with a cart train and an addiction to extreme couponers (is that still on the air?). I seem to have a knack for landing behind these crazies at checkout. After their cart loads they obtained by emptying the shelves of things other people might just have wanted to buy—no, I didn’t need toilet paper asshole— are rang up, I watch the poor cashier struggle with their 50 billion coupons, 25 billion of which don’t work because duh, crazy people can’t read, how are they to know they have to buy the right item for a coupon to work? Then I listen to them argue over 25 fucking cents for 15 minutes, and eventually, I just want to implant that precious quarter where her brain should be so she’ll move the fuck-a-long.
5. Jack H. Parker
Finally, those people who spend so much on their vehicle they are fairly sure that they paid to use 4 spaces to park it.. I have actually heard these jack holes argue they did it so “snot-nosed brats wouldn’t ding their doors.” Well, maybe if you parked in the back and walked that stick out of your ass you wouldn’t have to worry about door dings from over-crowding—or I dunno, learn to park between the lines so you aren’t too close to your fellow driver to begin with.