Toddler Discipline Techniques: Which is Right for You?

If there’s one topic I think my ears are metaphorically bleeding from being filled with advice on it’s toddler discipline. Absolutely everyone I know has a sure-fire, no-fail, you-got-to-do-it method of disciplining a toddler, and I think every last one of them could possibly be right. I think every toddler is different. I think no one single toddler discipline technique will work for every single child, and the real first step is to determine which method of toddler discipline is going to work for your toddling gremlin. So here goes, let’s figure it out together, the best toddler discipline technique for your toddler.

What are the different styles of toddler discipline?

toddler discipline techniques

Positive Toddler Discipline-

This toddler discipline technique focuses on encouragement which may seem the complete opposite of what you want to do with an ornery toddler who is misbehaving, but a little more explanation might put this style on your list. Positive discipline works on the premise that a child that feels encouraged, empowered, and needed doesn’t misbehave in the first place. Positive disciplinarians use methods such as positive time-outs, family meetings, natural consequences (such as I spill my milk on purpose so I don’t have any), and work together with their child to solve behavioral problems. To better explain, in the spilled milk story you may say, “Oh no, we have a problem; now your milk is on the floor. What can we do about this?” and allow your toddler to suggest a solution, such as cleaning it up which makes your toddler feel needed and in control, but the natural consequence of a now empty cup deters the repeat performance.

Gentle Toddler Discipline-

Another nice-guy disciplinary method, gentle discipline, focuses on diffusing, derailing, and preventing bad behavior. The idea of gentle discipline is to eliminate as many opportunities for bad behavior as possible, and then distract rather than punish when they do occur. For example, you may remove no-no items and warn of changes. For example, you take your child to the store, you avoid the candy isle to avoid a tantrum over said candy, but your child still spies with his little eye a play car, an expensive play car. You could zoom-zoom away making funny car sounds to distract from the desire which is fixing to cause a fit. Later you warn we are checking out and we’ll be going home soon, so your child knows what’s going on and feels more comfortable. Gentle discipline uses techniques such as cool-off time outs and anger control for both parent and child, distraction, validation, and a humorous approach to parenting.

Emotional Coaching-

Emotional coaching classifies as a style of discipline but is more an entire style of parenting. This approach focuses on the emotional “why” of bad behavior using methods such as empathetic listening, feeling expression, and identification and methods of self soothing. A parent using this style may sit their child down and talk about why they threw a toy and help their child work through those feelings as well as offer suggestions on a positive vent for those emotions. Emotional coaching is suggested to strengthen the bond between child and parent.

Boundary-Based Toddler Discipline-

Boundary-based discipline follows the belief that a child not only needs but craves boundaries and rules and in turn needs consequences to those boundaries and rules making it the first of the methods that could make you the bad guy. Those that use boundary-based discipline explore choices with their children, use cool-down time outs for their toddler, and combine natural and logical consequence options. A toddler under the boundary-based discipline rule will be presented with options when he or she misbehaves and presented with consequences if compliance is not carried through. For example, your toddler throws a fork at you. The boundary is then set, “We do not throw forks; you can eat with your fork or I can put it away.” If the toddler then threw the fork again, it would be taken away, and the behavior would be deterred by the natural consequence of no fork. A logical consequence such as no dessert or some other meal time related down-side may also be applied.

Behavior Modification-

A slightly more authoritative version of boundary based discipline, behavior modification enacts positive and negative reinforcement. Boundaries and rules are set, but less natural and logical punishments are used. For example, you tell your toddler that we do not climb on the back of the couch, when he or she does so there is a set number of warnings, and then a consequence such as time out or loss of a toy. Some parents may also opt for spanking; though it should be noted a child should never be hit in anger and that there is a big difference between discipline and abuse. Be sure you know where those lines are. On the other side of the cookie, a toddler that often crawls on the couch may be rewarded if he or she doesn’t for a set amount of time using a reward chart or another form of positive reinforcement. Behavior modification rarely offers choice to children, the parents are the boss, they are in control and their word is absolute.

Can I combine toddler discipline techniques?

Absolutely! You and your child may not fit into any style perfectly. The important thing is that you are consistent with whatever method of toddler discipline you choose and that it works. Many of the disciplinary styles combine very well.

What cues might indicate my toddler may behave better under one toddler discipline technique or another?

No one knows your toddler better than you do; in the past year or two, it’s unquestionable you’ve stumbled into likely each disciplinary style at least once. Sit down and think, “What worked the best?” If your child straightens up right quick with a stern word and no wiggle room, behavior modification may be for you. If he or she rebels dramatically to any stern rules, you may look at one of the more flexible paths such as emotional coaching or gentle discipline.

What happens if I pick a toddler discipline technique and it doesn’t work?

It’s a good idea to try trial and error for awhile. Pay close attention and see what seems to show the most significant change and then decide on that method. Afterward, you may find tweaking, adjustment, and adaption are necessary, and you may not. After your trial and error period, you want to remain pretty solid on your methods. Be patient, be consistent, and remember there is no right or wrong way to parent.

You may also find helpful:
Toddler Discipline: Handling the Grey Area

Toddler Lying: Why Little Kids Lie and What to Do About It

I approached my living room one morning after brushing my teeth and saw from a distance my children were up to no good. There was plant dirt everywhere. I watched as the oldest of the troublesome twosome of the time sprinkled a hand full of dirt across his brother’s head and then promptly hopped from the couch to run to me and announce, “Oh no mom! Rafe (his brother) no no! Plants.” At two years old this was the first instance of toddler lying my child had displayed. It was perfectly clear to me that both boys had made the mess, but my child had not only tried to create evidence otherwise, but he’d attempted to be the good boy tattling on the wrong doing as well. Suffice to say his performance wasn’t successful this time, but it certainly was not his last act.

Why do toddlers lie?

toddler lyingYou’ll be happy to know a toddler lying has nothing to do with deception. In the story above, for example, my toddler wasn’t necessarily attempting to fool me per say. There are a couple of possible explanations and none of them indicate a dishonest, bad little boy.

An active imagination:
One of the most common causes of toddler lying is simply that rich imagination they posses. At a young age children have difficulty discerning what actually happens from what they imagined happened. Recently my toddler told me that the twinkle, twinkle stars spilled his juice, half in song even. Clearly a star didn’t come out of the sky and tip his cup, but in his mind one did apparently.

Wishful thinking:
On top of an active fantasy life, toddlers also enjoy praise. Even being contrary and ornery my boys love being told they do well. Many toddlers will create a fantasy to stay in your good graces, and again, due to a loose ability to tell truth from fiction they believe in their own lie. My toddler telling me his brother dusted our living room with plant habitat was his attempt to stay the good boy and please me. He knew he did a no-no and wished he didn’t follow that ever present toddler impulse to do so, so in his mind he didn’t do so his brother did.

A less than perfect memory:
Lastly, children that young just don’t have much of a memory. If you ask them to recall what they’ve done they may not remember everything and use that imagination to fill in the blanks leading to a full-fledged fib.

What can I do to encourage honesty in my toddler?

Be sure to praise the truth. As a child I remember I always got in far more trouble for lying than I would have just for whatever it was I had done. Don’t set the impression that the truth excuses a wrong action, or punish the lie at this age, but do commend the truth. A verbal thank-you goes a long way. Once your child gets older and understands right from wrong, truth from lies, you can start penalizing lying.

You can also encourage honesty by preventing toddler lying before it happens. Avoid putting your toddler in a position to lie. For example, in my dirty living room story asking my toddler what happened would have been inviting him to lie. Instead by saying, “You and your brother played in the plant dirt, and that’s a no-no. Time for time out” I wouldn’t be placing him in a position to try and make up what happened, and I’m also helping him recall what actually did happen. This can help children begin to differentiate between fact and fiction as well as build memory and sequence of events.

If your child does lie or fib listen at first, as you are being given a window into your child’s imagination and inner mind, but then be sure they understand what the truth is. This way you get to learn from the story and encourage imagination and honest all at the same time.

Define Discipline vs Abuse: A Mom’s Perspective

I’ve been called a softy in the discipline realm quite a few times, but it still continually surprises me how one parent can define discipline vs another’s abuse and vice versa. Toddlers being so defiant, stubborn, and a bit developmentally prone to be slow to pick up the rules, seem to be a major target for abusive punishments. So, if you ask me, as a mom of four who exemplify the word “gremlin,” what is the difference between discipline and abuse?define discipline vs abuse

 

Lasting marks
Any form of discipline that leaves lasting marks is abuse. I don’t care if you hit your child with your hand or a firm pillow, if there was a mark that didn’t quickly fade it was abuse. I’m not anti-spanking. I do spank my toddlers in cases of extreme danger and importance. Sometimes, they even have a little red mark afterwards thanks to some seriously pale skin, but those marks are never still there within 10 minutes. Beyond lasting marks, if it could cause any injury what-so-ever, it is abuse.

Risk of death
I also support creative punishment. I’m a punishment-fits-the-crime sort of mom. I go easy on that type of stuff at the moment, because toddlers don’t often grasp the lesson, but as they get older, heck yes. However, there is a big difference between creative and abusive. If your “creative” punishment holds a risk of death to your child, it is abuse, not discipline, no matter what you called it.

Emotionally harmful
Finally, if it’s used for soldiers, don’t use it on your child, please. Your child is not an adult preparing to go to war. Things like cold showers have no logical place in disciplining a child. For a punishment to fit the crime, it must also have some logical tie to the behavior. Choosing random things like 50 laps for not picking up your toys doesn’t fit the crime. I realize that my final category seems broad. Many may argue a simple slap on the rump can cause “emotional” harm. What I would suggest is putting yourself in that child’s shoes. If as a child what you are about to do would stick in your mind and have a negative emotional effect on you, don’t do it to your child, whether it actually was done to you or not. Also, keep in mind that your words can often hurt more than you know-watch what you say. Always focus on the act, not the child.