Baby discipline: When and how?

Just because your baby doesn’t understand that pulling mom’s hair out or sticking bananas in the VCR is wrong, doesn’t mean that they won’t still do it. Infants pose a difficult disciplinary conundrum. They become mobile and capable of doing dangerous and naughty things, but haven’t developed mentally enough to comprehend concepts like right and wrong, action and reaction, crime and punishment, and positive reinforcement. Truthfully, even if they did, they don’t have the attention span or memory for it to do any good as far as behavioral improvement. I know sometimes staring into those big baby eyes you could swear they know just what they’re doing and are doing it just the thwart you, and it’s in that moment as a parent you’re stuck wondering, “What do I do now?”baby discipline

When should you start disciplining your baby?

The thing is, every baby develops at a different rate. Your baby may be developmentally advanced enough to understand one or more of the concepts required for discipline and praise to be effective. He or she may have the memory and attention span for it too. The great thing is starting discipline right away doesn’t hurt anything. Even if it isn’t doing any good at all, it’s also not doing any harm. Plus, it leaves you feeling like you did something, which can help you from becoming overly stressed or feeling helpless or angry when behavior becomes especially trying. You can start discipline and praise from the day your baby is born.

How can you discipline an infant exactly?

Never spank, hit, or criticize. I don’t take stance on the to-spank-or-not-to-spank subject; in my opinion it’s to each his/her own. However, when it comes to an infant, which the discipline is likely wasted on anyway, you should never use physical punishment. Your baby is still developing in an array of ways, and while babies may not be made of glass, if you do accidentally hurt your baby the effects are forever. At any stage, you should also avoid calling your baby bad. Focus your negativity on the act, not the child.

Be consistent. It’s important your reaction to bad behavior is always the same. This is how the reaction becomes committed to memory. Be careful that your reaction is not amusing as well. In the beginning, you can play around with options to find out what works for your baby’s personality type but lock it in before the toddler stage. Some infants react well to strong “NO!,” others find that hilarious. Some infants respond well to momentary removals of attention, while others could care less. In most cases, distraction does work well. Simply redirect the behavior to something new explaining why. At any age, always explain why you are doing what you’re doing, as well as why something is right or wrong. Whether this information is comprehended now is irrelevant. It’s a good habit, helps improve your baby’s vocabulary, and you never know, they may understand. Remember to offer praise for good behavior too.

What else can you do about bad baby behavior?

Sadly, baby geniuses aside, chances are your disciplinary efforts will be more for your sake than for theirs in the beginning. What you can do is keep your baby’s play areas as safe as possible, so that while bad behavior may be annoying, it’s not dangerous. Also try to keep play areas free of safe-but-messy no-nos. You goal is to remove the opportunity to be bad, until the developmental capacity is there to know what bad is.

 

Toddler Discipline Techniques: Which is Right for You?

If there’s one topic I think my ears are metaphorically bleeding from being filled with advice on it’s toddler discipline. Absolutely everyone I know has a sure-fire, no-fail, you-got-to-do-it method of disciplining a toddler, and I think every last one of them could possibly be right. I think every toddler is different. I think no one single toddler discipline technique will work for every single child, and the real first step is to determine which method of toddler discipline is going to work for your toddling gremlin. So here goes, let’s figure it out together, the best toddler discipline technique for your toddler.

What are the different styles of toddler discipline?

toddler discipline techniques

Positive Toddler Discipline-

This toddler discipline technique focuses on encouragement which may seem the complete opposite of what you want to do with an ornery toddler who is misbehaving, but a little more explanation might put this style on your list. Positive discipline works on the premise that a child that feels encouraged, empowered, and needed doesn’t misbehave in the first place. Positive disciplinarians use methods such as positive time-outs, family meetings, natural consequences (such as I spill my milk on purpose so I don’t have any), and work together with their child to solve behavioral problems. To better explain, in the spilled milk story you may say, “Oh no, we have a problem; now your milk is on the floor. What can we do about this?” and allow your toddler to suggest a solution, such as cleaning it up which makes your toddler feel needed and in control, but the natural consequence of a now empty cup deters the repeat performance.

Gentle Toddler Discipline-

Another nice-guy disciplinary method, gentle discipline, focuses on diffusing, derailing, and preventing bad behavior. The idea of gentle discipline is to eliminate as many opportunities for bad behavior as possible, and then distract rather than punish when they do occur. For example, you may remove no-no items and warn of changes. For example, you take your child to the store, you avoid the candy isle to avoid a tantrum over said candy, but your child still spies with his little eye a play car, an expensive play car. You could zoom-zoom away making funny car sounds to distract from the desire which is fixing to cause a fit. Later you warn we are checking out and we’ll be going home soon, so your child knows what’s going on and feels more comfortable. Gentle discipline uses techniques such as cool-off time outs and anger control for both parent and child, distraction, validation, and a humorous approach to parenting.

Emotional Coaching-

Emotional coaching classifies as a style of discipline but is more an entire style of parenting. This approach focuses on the emotional “why” of bad behavior using methods such as empathetic listening, feeling expression, and identification and methods of self soothing. A parent using this style may sit their child down and talk about why they threw a toy and help their child work through those feelings as well as offer suggestions on a positive vent for those emotions. Emotional coaching is suggested to strengthen the bond between child and parent.

Boundary-Based Toddler Discipline-

Boundary-based discipline follows the belief that a child not only needs but craves boundaries and rules and in turn needs consequences to those boundaries and rules making it the first of the methods that could make you the bad guy. Those that use boundary-based discipline explore choices with their children, use cool-down time outs for their toddler, and combine natural and logical consequence options. A toddler under the boundary-based discipline rule will be presented with options when he or she misbehaves and presented with consequences if compliance is not carried through. For example, your toddler throws a fork at you. The boundary is then set, “We do not throw forks; you can eat with your fork or I can put it away.” If the toddler then threw the fork again, it would be taken away, and the behavior would be deterred by the natural consequence of no fork. A logical consequence such as no dessert or some other meal time related down-side may also be applied.

Behavior Modification-

A slightly more authoritative version of boundary based discipline, behavior modification enacts positive and negative reinforcement. Boundaries and rules are set, but less natural and logical punishments are used. For example, you tell your toddler that we do not climb on the back of the couch, when he or she does so there is a set number of warnings, and then a consequence such as time out or loss of a toy. Some parents may also opt for spanking; though it should be noted a child should never be hit in anger and that there is a big difference between discipline and abuse. Be sure you know where those lines are. On the other side of the cookie, a toddler that often crawls on the couch may be rewarded if he or she doesn’t for a set amount of time using a reward chart or another form of positive reinforcement. Behavior modification rarely offers choice to children, the parents are the boss, they are in control and their word is absolute.

Can I combine toddler discipline techniques?

Absolutely! You and your child may not fit into any style perfectly. The important thing is that you are consistent with whatever method of toddler discipline you choose and that it works. Many of the disciplinary styles combine very well.

What cues might indicate my toddler may behave better under one toddler discipline technique or another?

No one knows your toddler better than you do; in the past year or two, it’s unquestionable you’ve stumbled into likely each disciplinary style at least once. Sit down and think, “What worked the best?” If your child straightens up right quick with a stern word and no wiggle room, behavior modification may be for you. If he or she rebels dramatically to any stern rules, you may look at one of the more flexible paths such as emotional coaching or gentle discipline.

What happens if I pick a toddler discipline technique and it doesn’t work?

It’s a good idea to try trial and error for awhile. Pay close attention and see what seems to show the most significant change and then decide on that method. Afterward, you may find tweaking, adjustment, and adaption are necessary, and you may not. After your trial and error period, you want to remain pretty solid on your methods. Be patient, be consistent, and remember there is no right or wrong way to parent.

You may also find helpful:
Toddler Discipline: Handling the Grey Area

Toddler Discipline: Handling the Gray Area

As if disciplining a toddler isn’t tricky enough, they have to go and throw spaghetti at you– that’s a toddler’s curve ball, right? Sometimes it’s obvious that your toddler was just being a turd, did something he or she knew was wrong, and should get in trouble, but other times it’s a little less clean. For instance, what do you do if your toddler goes to throw a toy in the toy box, being a good kid picking up toys, misses, and hits a lamp? What do you do if you toddler tries to get some juice like a big kid trying to learn and spills juice everywhere? Disciplinary situations present in parenting, especially younger children, that are simply not black and white. So, how do you handle them?

Evaluate the situation.

I know how easy it can be to lose your temper and just put your toddler in time out when you find mammoth mess, but the first thing you need to do is try to find out what happened. If your toddler’s verbal skills are adequate you can often just ask, while toddlers are also sometimes prone to fibs, you will at least get their perspective on what happened whether that perspective is accurate or not. If you toddler isn’t a great talker, you may have to piece the evidence together. For example, one day I came out of the bathroom to a gallon of juice on my couch, a tipped cup on the cushion, and a sobbing 2 year old. The evidence suggests he tried to get himself juice, spilled, and is upset. Sometimes a quick look around can provide the answers.

Determining the motivation.

Once you think you’ve pieced together what happened, determine the motivation. Was your child intentionally breaking a rule, and if so why? Many parents forget that addressing the motivation behind bad behavior is almost as important as addressing the behavior itself. Otherwise, it’s like putting a pan under a ceiling leak without fixing the leak and expecting the floor to stay dry.

Decide on an appropriate punishment.

Finally, if a rule has been broken, punish that and then talk about the entire incident. In my juice example, he was punished for getting into the fridge by himself, because he’s well aware he’s not supposed to do so. He wasn’t punished for spilling the juice, which would have entailed him staying in time-out for the whole clean-up rather than a minute or two. We talked about him being a big boy and getting his own juice, as well as how now we had no juice to drink. After the incident, I often let him “help” poor the juice and have made an effort to give him more big-boy tasks. The rule broken was punished and the motivation was addressed, that’s your goal.

You may also find this full guide on toddler discipline techniques helpful.