You Can Breastfeed Without Being Half Nude– I Promise

breastfeeding in public
Say what?!?

You know what’s funny? Four boobie-babies later, and I still have never seen someone “lose their shit” over breastfeeding in public. Not. One. Single. Person. Perhaps it’s just that it wasn’t my life dream to show half the universe my titties and can handle the concept of discreet breastfeeding—gasp—without using a blanket even. You know that thing, that cloth thing, that is supposed to be large enough to cover your breasts—a shirt—it totally works to cover the portion of the boob not obscured by baby noggin’.

I can kind of picture how this whole concept was squeezed out the vagina into thought. Somewhere between showering undue piles of lost shit on moms who don’t breastfeed for one reason or another, a mom wiped her mouth, glanced around, and saw the light of an opportunity. A golden opportunity to flash people and then be self-righteously vindicated when those folks were not amused by bare boobies all up in their space. I mean, it’s not like she pulled out a penis. She just for no obvious reason exposed her entire boob and let it just hang out—and then took pictures, and posted them on social media, and was shocked and appalled by people considering that “nudity.” I must totally have slept in the day they changed the definition of that word to exclude boobs as long as there was a baby someplace in the picture. Boobie lovers of the world probably squirted joy. I’ll get right on a new campaign to #freethehairyballs, right after I actually get to sleep in.

breastfeeding in public
No boob to see here…

Or maybe someone got the idea from a mom actually being discriminated against. Somewhere in our vast universe of whiners I am sure there has been at least one person to complain about someone who lifts the shirt up, not folds the whole mother cover down exposing the entire milk bag, and to you fine ladies, this post was not directed. Keep on, feedin’ on. I’m sorry if you became the inspiration for this ridiculous movement of over-exaggerators. Your story may have inspired thousands to join this war to defend nipples, because you know what’s better than showing your boobs for attention? –drawing more attention to it by claiming people were upset at you for just feeding your child. Brilliant!

It’s those folks that are making more moms uncomfortable breastfeeding in public. They’ve convinced a whole generation of mothers that breastfeeding in public brings on a lynch mob of judgmental baby-haters who want your child to eat in a toilet. When really, most people either a. don’t give a shit or b. are too caught up in their own shit to even notice.

That being said, obviously, I’m not claiming that some bitches just made that shit up to show their boobs to the world in the name of a social issue, but that the real issue seems to be in that there is some confusion over how much nudity is necessary to feed a baby. Yes, feeding a baby is natural. Yes, you should do it when your baby is hungry, and no, you should not have to go hide in a closet or portapotty or otherwise anywhere that you aren’t already—but—and here’s the big ass in the room—if you turn feeding your baby into an attention-whoring exhibition with zero regard for those around you, expect attention that may not be as positive as you hoped.

Though I am sure you do have perfectly nice boobies, and there are people in this world that would love to see them (and people who couldn’t care less if they see them.) There are also unquestionably people who do not want to see them. You know this. It is not a secret-squirrel decoder ring fact that in America outright nudity is not universally acceptable. The same way you (probably) would not want to see, say, all the folks in the grocery store naked. A large portion of people would probably find a nudist movement concerning. Policies on sites like Facebook in regards to nudity did not appear the day after you shared a picture of your boob—and maybe your baby in the corner of the image there. Why these people do not want to see your boobs is entirely irrelevant, because it’s just good manners to at least attempt not to be a dick to others.

Someday maybe someone can sit down with me and explain why it is so horrifically hard to just breastfeed without your boob fully exposed and why you need to share pictures while breastfeeding at all—preferably they’ll bring cake.

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